The Monkey Clan
by loofahlover
Summary: Zoro had never thought that going out with Luffy would be easy. But that knowledge had not prepared him to meet a senile old marine, an ex-mercenary, a half-drunk traveling salesman, a fireman with a questionable skillset, a shady government agent, and an even shadier sociopath. Zolu.
1. meet me at the baratie

**My entry for the 2016 One Piece Big Bang. Check my profile for the amazing art. It'll be out later today.**

* * *

The way Zoro understood things, going out with someone eventually lead to an awkward meet-the-friends thing. Everybody sat together and tried to figure out whether they would be able to tolerate each other for the sake of their mutual friends, who were making goo-goo eyes from across the table.

At least that's what his sister Perona explained, before letting out an obnoxious sigh about the fact that Zoro was better off playing tea party with his swords, because he didn't have the basic human capacity to go out with someone. She then proceeded to make several sexual innuendos about his bokkens, until he practically threw her out of his apartment.

Point is, Zoro didn't have much (any) previous encounters to compare against. So he didn't know if it was normal to be stared down by a chef in a peg leg, who was barring entrance to an apparently pirate-themed restaurant. "You."

"Me." To his credit, the old guy didn't flinch back, unlike most people who made eye contact with him.

"We're going out," Luffy said as he clung to Zoro's side, all too happy to mention the fact.

"You better not be another bottomless hole," Zeff growled.

Zoro tried not to growl back. As far as he was concerned, only he was allowed to complain about Luffy like that.

"He likes booze, though."

"Hush, you." Zoro mussed with Luffy's hair until he started giggling.

Once inside, Luffy beat him to his friends' table, sliding into the booth like a baseball champ. As Zoro sat next to Luffy, he noticed Luffy's friends were shamelessly staring at him. Blonde Guy jutted his chin out like a cheap punk. Orange Hair with was up to no good, analyzing him for how much he was worth. Finally, Long Nose locked eyes with him, made an 'eep' sound, then shielded himself with a menu. Sheesh.

Blondie stood up and took all their menus pre-emptively.

"Hey!" Zoro yelled.

"Yeah, yeah, I got your order. Some fish food for the marimo!"

"What did you call me, you…you mophead?"

In a very unsanitary move, said mophead slammed his shoe against the table in front of Zoro. "You wanna repeat that, ya fuzzy pig?"

"Oh that does it-"

"Sanji," The girl whined. "I'm hungry!"

Sanji's attitude made a 180, his face composed yet delighted to serve. "Of course ma'am. I'll be back with your dinner for this evenings. And yeah, you shitheads too." Sanji glared especially hard at Zoro, before flinging his way through the kitchen doors.

"Ignore Sanji. He's the sous chef here, he knows what he's doing." Orange lazily waved Zoro down as he tried to rise from his seat. "Oh, by the way. I'm Nami, and this here is Usopp." She jerked her thumb at the head behind the menu. Luffy was still chuckling, something about marimos under his breath. Great, he was probably imagining a fine dustly layer of fish food on top of his head or something. Zoro tried to be angry about it. He really did.

"Luffy, he's scaring me." Usopp stage-whispered across the table.

Luffy didn't help when he started to laugh in disbelief. "What are you talking about? Zoro's cool, not scary! He has a tattoo, and a motorcycle, and CANDLES!"

That's kendo," Zoro smirked without malice.

"Yeah, that. He practices by chopping up candles with his swords. Like how Sanji's really good at chopping up carrots. Oh, do you think Sanji's making something with carrots? Cuz carrots are gross, except when Sanji makes them. Is he done yet?"

"I don't care," Zoro grumped. He could probably chop carrots a thousand times better than that shitty cook.

"Yeah, me neither. So longer as it has meat in it."

Zoro was about to reply, when he felt Nami's stare on him. "What?"

"You two are amusing. It's like watching a game of tennis."

Well, excuse her. "I'm not here for your entertainment."

"Aw. That's so sweet. You're an asshole around everybody except Luffy."

"No I'm not," he tried but probably failed to intimidate her. "Shut up," he added for good measure. Was she right, though? He hadn't tried to treat Luffy and differently or anything. He knew he was surly, and he let that scare other people away or end up the case of a fight. Yet those flaws of his just rolled off Luffy like water off a duck's back. Huh, duck. Wonder what Luffy would have to say about roast ducks. Shit, Luffy's weird logic was contagious. Looking at the smarmy look on Nami's face, at least she didn't shy away like more people would have by now. Weirdly enough, both of Luffy's friends seemed to visibly relax.

"Hey," Nami said in a softer voice. "Take care of our idiot, ok?"

"Rude." Luffy stuck his tongue out.

Nami returned the gesture. "I mean, of course, we'll make your life miserable if you don't . But also-"

"You'll suffer the wrath of the Monkey Clan," Usopp said in a hushed voice, finally speaking up. Only to be elbowed painfully in the side by Nami for interrupting her.

"The what?" Zoro thought he might have heard wrong.

"Basically your in-laws," Nami cheerfully added.

"Oh, it's much much more than that!" Usopp crowed. "And as Luffy's best friend, I think it's my duty tell you what you're in for." He slammed his hands onto the tables for dramatic effect. "The Monkey Clan."

It sounded like a bargain-bin video game title to Zoro.

"They're a group of strong, charismatic men, each of them shrouded in mystery. Not all of them have the last name Monkey, but they know each other well enough that you can just shove them all together. On the top of the chain of command is Grandfather Monkey D. Garp. If we could draw real-life comparisons, then Garp would be King Kong."

"Real life." Zoro repeated slowly. "Right."

"You'll see my way when you meet him. Both of them are big, ugly, emotionally volatile, and leave mountains of physical destruction in their wake." Nods of agreement closely followed. When Luffy nodded along too, Zoro started to believe that this wasn't all some huge prank.

"Heh, wait till Gramps finds out that you called him ugly!" Luffy snickered.

Usopp paled, but managed to recover. Of course Luffy was joking…right? "Ahem. Next is Luffy's dad, Monkey D. Dragon. We're gonna need a monkey analogy that's wise, but devious. Something like a baboon?"

"What, he's also got his bare red ass hanging out in the open?" Sanji appeared from nowhere to place plates of food onto the table, before taking his seat.

Usopp snapped his fingers impatiently. "Focus, man! We're not talking about monkey butts! Anyway, there's also Luffy's two brothers. Ace is like some monkey that's…on fire."

"Ooh, ooh!" Luffy waved his fork furiously into the air. "Like Chimchar!"

"Yeah. No, Infernape, a level 100 one. And equipped with TM's like Solar Beam and Earthquake."

"You've totally lost us, Usopp." Nami said.

Luffy's eyes morphed into shooting stars and he garbled through a mouthful of steak, "You can teach Solar Beam to Infernape?!"

"Of-of-of course you can!" Usopp inwardly hoped he was right. He cleared his throat. "Then, there's Sabo. He's…well, honestly, I don't know much about him. Except that he's blonde. And really nice. Maybe he can be one of those monkeys who pokes sticks into trees to pick up ants."

"Ants? Blech!"

Usopp gaped at Luffy. "That's the first time I heard of something that you won't eat."

"Well, yeah. I tried eating ants once, and they stung like crazy! Ace ended up having to take me to the hospital."

Zoro nodded in agreement. "I tried stabbing an ant hole once. My feet itched for weeks."

Usopp covered his face with his hand. Apparently, these two both came from the same planet of idiots. They really were a perfect match for each other. "Moving on! Shanks is kind of like a father figure to Luffy. Came by all the time at the orphanage to check up on him."

"And Makino!"

"Hush, you're missing the point!" Usopp pondered, ruining his serious expression by tapping a fish stick against his chin. "Shanks is easy to get along with, has a lot of years behind him and tries to keep Luffy out of trouble. Plus his hair is red. So he's kinda like an orangutan."

"You're really stretching these monkey analogies." Sanji said.

Usopp ignored him. "Rayleigh seems to know Garp, so there must be some history between them. He's the other old guy in the Monkey clan. Doesn't really step in except for important stuff, and doesn't try to stir up too much trouble. He's like a nice, peaceful gorilla."

Zoro fought the urge to snort. He could remember once stumbling onto a documentary about gorillas in an alcohol-induced stupor. If memory served him right, male gorillas weren't known to be peaceful. Actually, no wild animal should be underestimated.

What could he say? He took his documentaries seriously.

"And that brings me to my final specimen. Behold the youngest member of the Monkey clan: Monkey D. Luffy, the baby monkey!"

"What?!" Luffy looked up indignantly from his meal, cheeks stuffed with cheesy mashed potatoes.

"Zoro, back me up here," Usopp demanded. "Does he not resemble it?"

Zoro blinked as the figurative spotlight landed on him. He glanced at Luffy, who was hunched over his empty plate with petulance, his puppy eyes begging Zoro to say otherwise. There was gravy and bacon bits adorning his face. Honestly, he was kinda adorable in a messy way. "Erk."

"See?!" Usopp yelled triumphantly.

"Well." Zoro tried to redeem himself in front of his indignant boyfriend. "I thought that when you said the Monkey clan was strong and charismatic, you meant all of them."

"Well, Luffy does have his moments. But you don't understand! Within the female-lacking, testosterone-charged environment that is the Monkey Clan, you have this!" Usopp stretched his arms out at Luffy, who crossed his arms and had and adorable pout that only reinforced Usopp's words. "The innocent, fun-loving baby monkey who has pathologically low levels of self-preservation instinct or common sense. He's the one that all the other alpha males redirect their protective instincts toward. He's climbing up figurative trees and flagpoles and ledges, and the other monkeys of the Monkey clan are scrambling below, desperate to catch him if-, no, when he falls."

Zoro raised an eyebrow. "So like Curious George."

"Curious George has nothing on Luffy," Nami chimes in.

Usopp makes a dramatic sweep of his arms. "Which brings us to the beginning of our story. Once upon a time-"

"There was a gang of brats who didn't leave the restaurant after they finished their food. Their corpses were later found in a dumpster along the highway." Zeff hovered over their table impatiently.

Sanji glared. "Shitty old man. Is that a way to talk to your customers?"

"You stopped being my customers when you finished yer food. Now get out before I kick you shitty kids out. LITERALLY."


	2. your bedtime stories suck (part 1)

After a ten-minute car ride, Zoro found himself in front of Luffy's "house". It was one of those eerie creaking messes in horror movies, ones that kids never came out of. Brook the landlord was settled into his favorite armchair, humming quietly; he had stayed past his bedtime waiting for them to come back. He was an old, thin man, with his skin so taut against his bones that he resembled a skeleton at a certain angle to the light. Then there was Chopper, a tiny puff of a medical student. He'd been studying for a test during their dinner, but made his way downstairs when he heard the commotion of them coming inside. Zoro was slightly hurt to notice him flinch after making eye contact, then sidle as far away as possible.

They sat themselves in the living room, filled with well-worn furniture that didn't really match each other, around a fireplace that was tightly fit with a metal grate and a childproof lock. Only Luffy sat on the floor, leaning against Zoro's legs. After Sanji whipped up some hot chocolate and passed them around, Usopp finally picked up with his interrupted story. "Alright, everyone comfy? Snug? Ready to plant some healthy fear into Luffy's boyfriend? Speaking of which, Zoro, which Monkey member should I start with? The scariest? The nicest? The most violent?"

Just get on with it," Zoro snapped, trying to hide his now-prickling nerves.

"Fine," Usopp said, a little miffed. "Then I'll just start at the beginning. See, my mom died when I was in high school. No seriously you guys, it was a long time ago, stop looking at me like that! So afterwards, I ended up in the foster home as Luffy, after Ace had just left, so we've been really close ever since. Thick as thieves!"

"Yeah!" Luffy grinned. "Plus we were good at stealing food from the kitchen!"

Usopp tried to shush him. "Luffy! Ix-nay on the ealing-stay."

"What eel? I've never eaten one before. Is it good?"

"Never mind. Anyway, a surprise found us one day, when Luffy wanted to explore a new shortcut to school, in the form of…BROOK!" Usopp made jazz hands in the old man's direction, who started laughing. "My first reaction was to get the hell away from the house with a "For Rent" sign and weird music coming out of it, but of course Luffy dragged us in, screaming "ADVENTURE!"

"Heaven knows why I hadn't gotten any visitors until then," Brook said in a deep, quavering voice.

Luffy nodded. "It's really a shame. This place is so cool! Did you know there are actual skeletons in the backyard?"

"Now, what would you- WHAT?!" Usopp looked ready to keel over the side of the couch.

Brook blinked twice. "Ah. Luffy-san must mean the pet cemeteries."

"THEN TELL ME THAT FIRST!" Usopp screamed, before clearing his throat. "Now, what would you think if I told you that a seventeen-year-old wanted to move into an old, creepy house, inhabited only by an old, creepy guy who offered him candy and invited him in to check out his dusty memorabilia?"

"Disgusting." Nami said.

"Pedophile." Zoro said.

"Plays the piano." Luffy received a halfhearted karate chop from Usopp.

"Oya oya, how harsh!" Brook laughed joyfully, like he had been inducted into the Hall of Fame.

"So I tried to convince Luffy otherwise, and it didn't work. Shanks and Makino tried bribing him with extra snacks. Didn't work either. Ace and Sabo tried to beat some sense into him. Didn't work, though the oven in Makino's place is now nonfunctional.

Anger flared inside of Zoro. Those didn't sound like very upstanding brothers to him. Usopp went on without noticing. "So finally, I think everybody gave up and decided to let Luffy have his way. But not before the entire Monkey Clan decided to descend upon this house and deem it safe and pedophile-free for their baby monkey."

"I still don't like that name," Luffy muttered.

"Too bad, Luffy. So the first guy to come was Garp."

* * *

 _Monkey D. Garp made his grand entrance by kicking the front door, greeting Brook with a_ _toothy grin that could gnaw through steel. "So. You're the weird old man who's trying to get close to my grandson."_

" _Don't call Brook weird, Gramps! He's my friend!" Luffy yelled._

" _I can say whatever I want about old weirdos," Garp yelled back._

" _You're the old weirdo!"_

" _Why you…" He threw Luffy against the sofa, which sent it skidding back, before directing his full attention to Brook. "Well. You got anything to say for yourself?"_

 _With impeding demise staring him in the eyes, Brook could only utter the first thing that came to mind: "May I see your panties?"_

"… _WHAAAAAAAAT?!"_

" _NO GRAMPS! DONT KILL BROOK!" Luffy attached himself to Garp's raised arm like an octopus. Garp tried to shake Luffy off, while Usopp used the distraction to half push, half drag Brook into the backyard, where he helped Brook escape by climbing over the fence._

" _But shouldn't we help Luffy-san?"_

" _Just go go GO!"_

* * *

"By the time we got back, half the furniture on the ground floor was broken and there was a fist-sized hole in the wall, which I had to cover." Usopp nodded toward a painting of a pretty blonde lady in a sundress. "Luffy came back at night, looking like he'd been pushed through a blender."

Luffy merely shrugged. "Just the usual crazy training by Gramps. He still thinks I'm gonna join the Marines."

"And you've never, you know, considered it? If nothing, then for your own safety?" Usopp asked.

"Haha, nope!" He was cheerfully unaware that next to him, Zoro was giving some serious kill-the-old-man vibes.

"Anyway," Usopp gulped, "Who's next?"

"Yohoho, how about Ace-san?" Brook suggested.

"Sure thing. You see, Zoro, Ace is a firefighter for this neighborhood. So a while after we fixed all that damage from that little, ahem, event with Garp, he stopped by to see if the house was safe for Luffy to live in."

* * *

 _Portgas D. Ace stood inside the foyer, assessing the whole space with a cursory glance, before he said, "Hey, Luffy! You and Usopp go play outside for a while, ok? I need to talk with Brook for a bit, then we can go out for burgers."_

 _After Usopp and Luffy left with a cheer, Ace closed the door and got to business childproofing or, in his words, Luffy-proofing the house. "It's basically child-proofing, only more comprehensive. I just try to think of Luffy as a living Murphy's Law as I work," Ace explained to a nearby Brook as he fitted a lock around the fridge. "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Spectacularly."_

 _He was the one to fit plastic covers over the outlets…_

 _("If he's got anything metal in his hands, and he's wandering nearby, keep him away. I swear, he'll never learn his lesson, even after that toaster thing.")_

 _Install a childproof netting over the fireplace…_

 _("Did you know the fireplace back at Makino's was decorative only? Yeah. Neither did Luffy.")_

 _Fix the broken door on the kitchen cabinet…_

 _("Now this is just asking for Luffy to rip it off its hinges and use it to slide down the roof or something.")_

 _And move all the potentially poisonous chemicals such as cleaning materials, insecticides, etc. into a container that says "Homework"…_

 _("Probably the only thing he'll never touch.")_

* * *

Usopp noticed that Chopper was drifting off to sleep against his armrest. "Chopper. You should probably go to bed now.

"Mhm. But," Chopper yawned.

"I'll take the big guy upstairs." Nami crouched and pulled a barely resisting Chopper into a piggyback. "I got to work early tomorrow, so I better go too."

After the two headed up, Usopp started to whisper, "I didn't want to say this in front of Chopper, but as Ace was leaving…"

* * *

" _Ah, before I forget." Ace turned to Brook, looking a bit thoughtful. "You know, some people make the mistake of assuming that just because I'm a firefighter, I hate fires. Quite the opposite, really. I have a healthy amount of respect for them. And as part of my profession, I know VERY WELL how they start, what it takes to make them burn brightly and as cause as much collateral damage as possible."_

 _Ace hooked his thumbs against his belt loops, leaning slightly forward. "Don't think that just because I spent all this time checking on the house, I care about it or anything. If you mess with my little brother…" He smirks. "I will burn this entire house to the ground, maybe even with you in it."_

 _He clapped Brook on the shoulder. "Glad we had this talk. Luffy! Let's go."_

" _Yay, food! You coming, Usopp?"_

" _I think I just lost my appetite, thanks."_

* * *

"You don't think he really would have done that, would he, Luffy-san?" Brook asked.

Luffy didn't answer at first. He seemed to be having an internal debate with himself. "Nope! Cuz he knows that Brook is my friend, so he won't. And even if Brook wasn't, Ace loves his job, so he wouldn't do anything to lose it!"

Brook's laugh had a slightly hysterical edge to it. "Well, I'm certainly glad that Ace-san has his priorities in order!"

"Yeah, yeah." Usopp massaged his forehead. "As for who's next, let's go with Dragon. At least he didn't actually make any threats."


	3. your bedtime stories suck (part 2)

_Monkey D. Dragon arrived with a severe demeanor and a large box of chocolates._

" _Yahoo! It's candy!" Luffy yanked the box over his head and raced for the dining table._

" _Control yourself, Luffy," Dragon said. But he didn't make any further attempts to restrain his son._

 _Usopp sat quietly as Brook and Dragon begin exchanging small talk. Dragon eventually asked Usopp about how Luffy was doing in school, and he didn't seem to buy Usopp's story_ _that Luffy was the school president and the three-time national track champion. After Usopp ran out of steam, the conversation drifted to what Luffy was like as a child. Usopp found himself having a silent chocolate-eating contest against Luffy (surprise, guess who won) while Dragon inquired about Brook's past music career. At some point, Luffy got bored and left. The short conversation gave Usopp the chance to notice two things. First, Dragon seemed to be stuck with the same facial expression the entire time. Second, every time Brook attempted to learn any personal details about the man, he found the topic of conversation subtly directed back to himself._

 _After about half an hour, Dragon's phone buzzed onto the table. He excused himself to leave, citing business at the office, and Brook and Usopp saw him to the door. They headed outside to see Sabo, of all people, swinging Luffy around like a helicopter propeller. They were laughing and shrieking, and Usopp worried that if Sabo were to let go at that speed, Luffy would be catapulted across the street. Finally, Luffy returned to the ground and the two stumbled around like a couple of drunks before collapsing onto the soft grass._

" _Ah, it's Dragon." Luffy attempted to wave._

" _Luffy…" Sabo weakly bopped his shoulder. "You're supposed to call him Dad."_

" _But that sounds weird. Besides, Dragon's such a cool name."_

 _Dragon huffed, his smirk almost imperceptible._ _Usopp tried to back away from the sudden attempt at facial expression_ _, thoughts of serial killers running rampant in his mind._

* * *

"Wouldn't be the first timeyou came to that conclusion," Sanji cut in.

Usopp nodded weakly. "At least I have yet to be proven right."

"Just one thing. You expect me to believe that Luffy's father came by to talk about the weather, then just left?"

"Well, we did get to learn about Brook's past," Usopp said.

"Yeah, but this was back before you knew that Brook wasn't a creepy pedophile. No offense, Brook ("Yohoho, none taken!"). How could he just take Brook's words at face value? You're supposed to run a background check on these kinds of people."

"He already did." Luffy swiveled back and forth, trying to get comfortable. "Dragon's good at that kind of stuff. It's part of his job or something."

Usopp gaped. "Now that I think about it, you never told me what your dad does, Luffy." He'd assumed that Luffy hadn't even known in the first place.

"Didn't I? Probably cuz it didn't sound very fun. He's the boss of the…what was it. CBS? NBC?"

"Damn. Didn't know your dad worked so high up in the news industry," Sanji took a sip of his hot chocolate.

"Oh right! The NSA!"

Sanji projected an epic spit-take onto Brook's face. Without missing a beat, Brook pulled out a lacy handkerchief and starts to dab at himself.

Usopp deliberately walked across the room and lowered his hands onto Luffy's shoulders. He enunciated his next words carefully. "Luffy, buddy. I need you to think hard. I know your little brain has trouble remembering three letters at a time, but you need to tell me the right ones. The non-terrifying ones."

"But I did remember them correctly." Luffy huffed. "That's also why Sabo's so good at wire taps!"

"Wire taps?"

"Yeah! Dragon was only pretending to talk with Brook. He was actually distracting you guys so that Sabo could install them around the house."

That got everybody talking in a rush.

"Wh-wh-wh-WHAT?!"

"So they've been listening in on us the whole time?!"

"Oh my, so they've been listening to my recent compositions? I hope they weren't disappointed."

"Did he install them in the bathrooms too?!"

"Nah," Luffy said. "Dragon thought that would be rude to my friends."

"Right." Usopp wheezes from the floor. "Because it's polite to listen in on every _other_ conversation in the house."

"Well, the way Sabo explained it, Dragon's a little like Santa."

"Santa," Usopp repeated dumbly.

"Yep. He's got a list of people, and he needs to find out who's naughty or nice. But don't worry." Luffy proudly held up a victory sign. "I took them all down. Sabo once taught me how to check any room for bugs. When I found the first one under my windowsill, I decided to check the rest of the house."

"So that's what happened!" Usopp thought back to the week after Dragon's visit, when Luffy scampered up and down the creaky wooden floors until midnight, proclaiming that he was "searching for stuff".

"Yeah, and I got them all, see?" Luffy scrolled and scrolled through his phone, finally holding it up to show a text conversation.

Luffy _: Sabo! How dare you bug my house!_

 _Sabo: Oops. Guess you found out :P What did you do with them?_

 _Luffy: I threw them away, of course._

 _Sabo: What a waste. How many?_

 _Luffy: 32. Why?_

 _Sabo: Awesome, you found them all! As expected of my little brother ;) You know, if you're not busy after college, you should join the NSA with me. It'll be fun!_

"So yeah. Sabo does stuff like that. He travels a lot too, though I'm not sure why. But whenever he comes to visit, he brings cool stuff."

"He's got good taste in wine, too," Sanji agreed reluctantly, before getting up. "Well, you shitheads, it's getting late, and I think I've had enough crazy for today. I'm off to bed."

They exchanged their goodnights as Sanji left. All except Usopp, who had a conflicted look on his face. "I was going to introduce the scariest Monkey first, but I don't think I started with the right people, if Dragon and Sabo are actually like that. I'm almost afraid about the remaining two."

"Why don't you talk about Shanks, then?" Luffy suggested.

A slow smile spread across Usopp's face. "Yeah. See, Zoro, Shanks is good friends with my dad. So sometimes we'll joke around that me being friends with Luffy was fated to be." Usopp suddenly twitched away from Zoro, who had been giving overprotective vibes all night. "But not like that! I mean, like platonic fate! Like he's my bro for life! You know, that kinda thing!"

Zoro just nodded. "I get that."

Usopp let out a sigh of relief. "So anyway, he and my dad are traveling salesmen. They stop by every so often to tell us stories about all the amazing places they travel to, all the sights they see. And sometimes we get to go with them. Just locally, though; we're not allowed to leave the state. Luffy's family thinks they're "irresponsible" or something. Just because Shanks is drunk like 30% of time; only 30%!"

Zoro gulped. He made a mental note to cut down on the alcohol when he was around Luffy's family.

"Shanks is amazing," Luffy agreed dreamily. "Once, when I was little, he took me to the zoo, and while we were there, an alligator escaped its cage and came after me. I was so scared, I couldn't move, and it was about to swallow me whole when Shanks scooped me away. But then the alligator bit his arm off! And he didn't even scream!"

"Now that's a man I have to meet," Zoro said in admiration. "No scary stories then?"

Usopp thought for a moment. "None that I can think of. Luffy?"

Luffy shook his head. "Shanks is super nice."

"Now that I think about it," Brook interrupted, "What happened to the alligator?"

"Oh, that. Shanks killed it!"

The room went silent, except for the soft thump when Brook dropped his teacup onto the carpet. He hurriedly stared in the direction of the stairs, waiting for a certain blonde neat freak to charge after him. Luffy lowered his voice, just in case. "After Shanks took me off to the side where it was safe, he went back and…" He tapped his elbow lightly against his thigh and made a popping sound, "broke its skull."

Zoro made a low whistle. "I'll have to spar with him too, when we meet."

Luffy leaned his head back to stare at Zoro. "Hey, hey! Before that, you should spar with me!"

"Really."

"Really! My punch is as powerful as a pistol!"

Zoro stared at him.

"Ok, so not that strong. But it's pretty strong, ok?"

Usopp interrupted the two, hands covering his face. "Let's just get this over with, before you two battle to the death. Though I can't tell you as much about Rayleigh."

Brook spoke up. "Rayleigh-san stopped by once to check on Luffy, while Usopp-kun was at the craft store." He leaned toward Zoro. "He lives close by, a couple streets away."

Usopp turned to Luffy. "Is Brook right, Luffy? He really was there to check on you, right?"

"Yep."

* * *

" _Rayleigh! Are you gonna tell me a story?"_

" _Fufufu. I didn't really come here to swap stories, but fine." Rayleigh stroked his impressively trimmed chin. "How about the time the Captain and I wrestled a 12-foot boa constrictor?"_

 _By the time he was finished, Luffy was asleep on the sofa with a satisfied grin, drool hanging off his mouth. Rayleigh stood up to go._

" _Uh, Rayleigh-san?" Brook spoke up from his hiding place behind the kitchen counter._

 _Rayleigh glanced at the gaunt old man and smiled. "Were you expecting an interrogation, perhaps? Don't worry, I trust Luffy-kun's judgment. I just came by to see if he was happy. "_

 _As Rayleigh put on his coat, Brook noticed vaguely that there was a fly buzzing around the house. He tried to remember which cabinet the bug spray was in, when Rayleigh swished a tissue in the air and the fly disappeared behind it. "Where's your trash can, Brook-san?"_

" _Over here." Brook couldn't stop gawking. "Your reflexes are quite impressive, Rayleigh-san."_

 _Rayleigh chuckled deeply. "What, these domesticated things? The flies in the Congo were five times as big, ten times as fast, and burrowed halfway through your skin, given the chance. Ah, the Congo. Good times, good times." He stared past the wire screen, to a land halfway across the Earth._

 _Meanwhile, Brook wondered if the snake story was more than a tale to entertain Luffy._

* * *

Luffy laughed excitedly. "Rayleigh is so badass. He's the one who taught me how to fight. He yells at me sometimes when he gets mad, but he's way nicer and way less scary than Gramps."

Usopp kept nodding, waiting for the inevitable moment when Rayleigh turned out to be a psychopath.

"He almost never gets violent. Even though I know he could."

Usopp gulped. "Almost."

"Almost. There was this one time, when I was younger. Rayleigh was supposed to take me and Ace out for lunch, but then Ace came down with a fever, so I was waiting outside alone. And this ice cream truck rolled by, and I thought that maybe since Ace couldn't go eat with us, then maybe I could bring him some ice cream?"

"That's a nice thought, Luffy." Usopp collapsed against his armrest in faux despair. "But hasn't anybody warned you about getting close to strange vehicles?"

"Yeah, I kinda learned my lesson. Cuz when I went to buy a popsicle for Ace, The ice cream guy said he'd give me one for free, if I came into the truck with him." Luffy growled. "Only he lied. When I walked in, he shut the door behind me and started shoving some weird smelling towel in my face. But he didn't get far before Rayleigh yanked the door open and-"

"Whew." Usopp held a hand against his chest.

"-broke the guy's neck."

"Ugrp."

"Yeah. When it happened, I thought Rayleigh had killed him. But it turns out that if you don't turn too far, and you take them to the hospital right away, then they won't die. Not sure what happened to that weirdo."

Zoro grimaced. "Tch. Guys like him are better off dead anyway."

A moment of silence passed before everybody realized Usopp was done with his tale (still rearranging his views on Luffy), and Brook felt it necessary to point out the inevitable. "Considering the pressure they put on me, Luffy-san's landlord, what do you suppose they'll do to Luffy-san's significant other?"

To Zoro's credit, his expression didn't change, except for a visible gulp. But Luffy dismissed Brook's worries with a wave of his hand. "It'll be fine! They won't kill him!"

"Ahem. Ice cream truck, Luffy." Usopp said.

"But Zoro's not trying to kidnap me!"

"Yeah well, your brothers, at the very least, may beg to differ." Usopp let out a puff of breath. "Ok, Zoro. Let's talk about how you're going to survive this. Gotta plan this carefully. Garp is off the table. He just does what he wants, regardless of how we try to soften the blow. You're just gonna have to grit your teeth when you meet him. Or actually, don't grit your teeth, I've heard your jaw will shatter if someone gives you a strong enough uppercut. Rayleigh is definitely first. If we convince him that Zoro's fine, he can inform Ace and Sabo. He can remind them that, even though Luffy's an idiot, he's got a good eye for people. The only thing is, Rayleigh's the kind who won't step in unless Luffy's directly in danger. Next, we'll need to get Shanks' approval. He's easy to get along with, so long as you don't threaten Luffy."

Zoro nodded. "I also have to thank him, for saving Luffy's life."

"Even better! Also, you need to look less scary."

"Hah?"

"You know, less like you're going to stab me to death. I know you won't do it, and you know you won't do it, but it Shanks sees your threatening mug around Luffy, he may be prone to drawing conclusions."

Zoro was about to point out that he couldn't change his looks before tomorrow morning, but Usopp carried on. "We also gotta call Dragon. Or maybe he'll call us first."

"Hey! I told you I took care of all the bugs," Luffy said indignantly.

"What about outside?"

"I checked that too."

"What about OUTSIDE outside? What if he's planted agents all around the neighborhood?!" Luffy rolled his eyes. "In any case, if he finds out before Luffy tells him, it might raise his suspicions. And we need him to be on your side, because he's the key to reining in Sabo."

"Why?" Zoro asked.

"He's Sabo's boss," Luffy said.

"Exactly," Usopp said. "And Sabo is key to reining in Ace. Sabo's the only half-sensible one within these brothers."

"Couldn't Luffy just talk to Ace?" Zoro suggested.

Luffy shrugged. "Sometimes, I just end up getting him even more mad."

Usopp sighed with exhaustion. "Ok, Zoro, you got the plan? Tomorrow, you gotta call Rayleigh, Shanks, and Dragon to set up meetings. Wait a couple days to let the information trickle down the grapevine, and Sabo and Ace will reach out to you first. Also, have 911 on speed dial. Cuz who knows when Garp will strike."

Zoro was nodding just as Luffy's phone went off.

"Gah! It's Ace!"

"Tell him you're not here!"

"Hi Ace! I'm not here! Bye!" Luffy hung up.

"YOU IDIOT!" Usopp screeched.

Soon after, Luffy's phone started ringing again. When he picked up the phone, Usopp and Zoro could hear yelling from the other end.

"Sorry about that…What, no, I'm not up to much…Nervous? I don't know what you're talking about!…Nonono! I'm not hiding anything…I'm not hiding the fact that I have a boyfriend, that's for sureACK!…His name's not Stupid Idiot, it's Zoro!…Uh, ok?…You promise not to kill him, right?…Ok. Night, Ace." Luffy hung up again and turned to Zoro. "He wants to get brunch with us tomorrow."

Usopp started screaming. WE'RE DOOMED! THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST SETUP THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN! ACE IS GOING TO KILL ZORO, THEN SABO WILL FOUND OUT FROM AN ANGRY ACE AND KILL ZORO, THEN SHANKS WILL GET PISSED THAT SOMEONE'S HANGING AROUND LUFFY AND KILL ZORO, THEN DRAGON WILL GET PISSED THAT HE DIDN'T GET THERE FIRST AND KILL ZORO, THEN RAYLEIGH WILL SIP HIS BEER LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED, THEN SOMEWHERE BETWEEN ALL THAT, GARP WILL SWOOP IN AND KILL ZORO!"

At which point Nami, Sanji, and Chopper woke up from their restful slumber and beat the living daylights out of Usopp. Zoro just sighed as he went for the door. "So I'm dead, not matter how it goes. What's the details, Luffy?"

"Ace said to meet at Shakky's at ten."

"Then I'll see you there."

"You sure?" Luffy skips alongside Zoro to the door. "Ace is gonna be mad if you get lost."

"I won't," Zoro grumbled before he paused on the porch steps.

"Zoro?" Luffy felt a light pressure on his forehead.

"Goodnight," Zoro whispered. And suddenly he was hurrying down the path to the house, his face heated. He could hear a door shut loudly and some muffled voices:

"What are you so happy about?"

"Oh, nothing~"

With a warm, stupid smile creeping onto his face, Zoro didn't bother worrying about what could go wrong tomorrow.


	4. it's all your fault

Shit, Zoro was late. He could already imagine Luffy laughing about it. First time he cared about getting to the right place at the right time, and his cell phone alarm hadn't bothered ringing on time.

Skidding into the diner, his instincts tugged toward a booth with Luffy wolfing down a plate of breakfast. The comforting sight was disrupted by the person next to Luffy, a freckled face staring Zoro down with pure hatred. Was his fly down? Did he have weird stains on his shirt? Was it the green hair? He wanted to check his appearance, but breaking eye contact would leave him vulnerable and open himself to being eaten whole. Zoro tried to approach with a casual saunter. "Ace, right? I'm-"

"Late. Half an hour late. You know how many people die from household fires in half an hour?"

"Uh…"

"How many, Ace?" Luffy chipped in, to which Ace flung his hands into the air. "I don't know, a LOT."

"But Ace," Luffy whined with his mouth full of hash browns, "You're not a firefighter right now. It's your morning off!"

"I'm always a firefighter, Luffy….and you're not listening." Ace stopped watching Luffy shovel at his hashed browns to continue his staredown with Zoro. "Fine then, Roronoa. In the space of half an hour, while I was patiently WAITING for you, Luffy's eaten four breakfast platters. That's one more than I had planned for." Ace narrowed his eyes. "Who's going to pay for that?"

Zoro tried to stammer, "I can-"

"Oh what, you're one of those hyper-masculine guys who has to provide for everything? Haven't you ever heard of splitting the bill? You trying to make my little brother some kind of kept boy, you sicko?"

It was enough to make even the most hyper masculine guy want to cry.

Luffy saved Zoro the pain of having to answer, by sticking a piece of bacon into Ace's mouth. "Ace, what's wrong with you? Are you getting the hungry grumps again?"

"Sure, whatever you say." Ace chomped down on his bacon in a sing-song voice, then stabbed another piece, waving it in Zoro's face too close for comfort. "Here, Roronoa. Have some bacon too."

"You know what, I think I'm good."

"What? You're too good for bacon? Or, don't tell me, you have something against meat? If so, I don't think this relationship is going to work out."

"You don't like meat?!" Luffy, bless his dumb little head, was not helping.

Before Zoro could disagree that no, he loved meat, Ace went on. "And just what does a meat hater like you do for a living?"

"Zoro works at a gym! Ah, but not the Pokemon kind."

Zoro didn't expect Ace to laugh, or for his eyes to soften, at Luffy's words "Is that so?"

"Yep! He helps other people lift weights. Actually, that's how we-"

"Oh, he doesn't need to know that." Zoro quickly said.

Aaaaand bitchface ace was back. bitchfACE. Ha. Zoro was so not getting out of here alive. "No I think I do." So Luffy told his story, without leaving a single incriminating detail, which left Ace sighing and Zoro wondering if it was too late to escape through the window. "Are you an idiot?"

"Which one of us?" Luffy asked

"Both. But especially Zoro, since it was his fault."

Luffy stared at Zoro with widened eyes. "It was?"

"Well, you started it!" Zoro sputtered.

"Oh wow. Real mature." Ace leaned back and slammed his feet onto the table. "Speaking of which, just how old are you, shrubhead?"

Zoro grit his teeth. "Nineteen."

"Huh. And Luffy? What have I told you about dating older guys?"

"You haven't," Luffy mumbled through a mouth half full of pancakes.

"Ok then, new rule. You don't."

"What?!" Luffy sprayed most of his food toward Ace, who ducked from experience. "No way!"

"Yes way. I'm your older brother, so do what I say."

"I refuse!" Luffy yelled defiantly.

"Well I refuse your refusal."

"Well I refuse your refusal to refuse-"

"I didn't even say that. I decided to refuse-"

"Well I refuse to decide-"

"-can't even refuse to refuse a refuse a refusal-"

"La la la I REFUSE TO LISTEN TO YOU-"

"Oh god, you're being even worse than that time you got drunk and-"

"Alcohol? And you're saying I'M a bad influence?!" As soon as Zoro said it, the argument came to a screeching halt. Ace turned to Zoro, fire scorching in his eyes. "Excuse me?"

"Wubuh- well, he's not old enough to be drinking. Not that I have a problem with that. NOT that he should be, but I won't. Judge, that is-"

"Are you questioning my ability to take care of my little brother?" Ace balanced himself over the edge of the table to loom over Zoro. "Let me make this clear, you little punk. I've been taking care of his hyper little ass for nearly his whole life. You've been hanging around for ONE. WEEK. You don't know enough. You don't care enough. So cut the crap."

Zoro clenched his jaw so hard, he could feel the grinding of his teeth.

"Don't you dare try to tell me what to do, because Luffy is my problem. NOT yours."

Really, a guy could only put up with so much. Anyone else, and Zoro would have broken his face in. He'd tried to be civil for Luffy's sake, but Zoro slammed his hands against the table, plates and silverware clattering loudly. "You goddamn- "

Then Luffy shoved Ace out of the booth, Ace landing on his ass.

"We're going, Zoro." Luffy walked across the table and jumped down, latching onto Zoro's wrist with an iron grip.

"Wait, Luffy!" Ace yelled.

"You're a jerk!" Luffy yelled back.

"Ha?!"

Luffy kicked the door open on his way out, leaving behind splinters and broken glass. "And you're paying for my food!"

Luffy marched down the street in a huff. Zoro, however, already felt his anger disappearing, now that they were away from that unreasonable bastard. He tested Luffy's grip on his wrist; there was no budging. No surprise there; Zoro already knew how strong Luffy was. As they turned a corner, Zoro vaguely wondered if Luffy was strong enough to keep hauling him without an effort on his part. Maybe if he wore rollerskates. So then he could be napping while Luffy dragged him around town…

"Sorry about Ace. He just gets stupid in the head. I mean," Luffy made a frustrated noise, letting go of Zoro to run his hands through his hair, but he kept walking. "Why can't he see how awesome Zoro is? You guys are so alike! You're cool and awesome and strong, and you're my favoritest people in the world!"

Luffy's words warmed his heart like always. They were sunshine and campfires and being wrapped in a blanket for a nap and… Actually, a nap sounded good right about now. Zoro felt exhausted after that adrenaline-filled encounter. He usually wasn't up until noon, which was probably why he'd ended up late. Luffy would probably wouldn't mind, he was big on cuddling and naps and hugs and that just made Zoro feel warmer and drowsier. "Yo Luffy…"

* * *

"And why aren't you mad about this, Zoro? Be mad!" Luffy turned around. "Zoro?"

Zoro was nowhere to be found.

"Where did he go?" Luffy scratched his head. He was about to retrace his steps when he heard some yelling from across the street. A girl in a Lolita style outfit seemed to be getting harassed by a tattooed punk.

Luffy frowned. "That's not nice." He ran closer, only to watch as the girl kneed her assailant in the crotch, and was about to stab her heels into-

"Stop, you're gonna break him!" Luffy screamed, holding her back by the arms.

"So?! He grabbed my ass!"

"But if you do that, he won't be a guy anymore!" The blubbering guy took the opportunity to hobble away.

"Even better," the girl seethed. "You men are all pigs anyway!"

"Are not!" Luffy huffed.

"Are too!"

"Not!"

"Like who?!"

Luffy threw out the first name he could come up with. "Zoro!"

The girl jerked herself out of Luffy's slackened hold. "That doofus?! Who doesn't do anything but sleep and drink?"

"Nuh-uh! Zoro does way more than that!"

"Oh yeah? Well, what makes you a better authority than me about Zoro?"

"Cuz I'm his boyfriend, and I've known him for a week!"

"Yeah well, I'm his cousin, and I've known him for seven years!"

They blinked at each other.

"BOYFRIEND?!"

"COUSIN?

* * *

Ace paced back and forth in front of the diner, muttering into his cell phone, "Come on Luffy, come on…" The diner staff were nervously giving him a wide berth, waiting for the police to come. But Ace hadn't even noticed.

Finally Luffy picked up. "What."

Oh shit. Ace knew all of Luffy's moods and this flat voice of his meant the worst. "Hey Luffy," Ace said nervously.

"I'm still mad at you."

"Now wait a-"

*click*

"Son of a," Ace jabbed at his phone.

Luffy picked up again. "What."

"You hung up on me!"

"Well you were mean to Zoro."

"No I wasn't," Ace started. Then paused. Ok, so maybe he was a little harsh, a little hostile. But that was his right as a big brother.

Still.

He weighed his pride as a big brother, over the possibility that Luffy would start to ignore him. Just the thought of it, his chatty little brother giving him the cold shoulder, made his heart twinge. "I'm sorry."

There was silence, followed by a huff. "You hafta apologize to Zoro too."

"Of course." Ace gritted the words out.

"Great!" Just like that, all bad feelings were dispelled.

"Where are you guys now, luffy?"

"Well, Zoro kinda got lost."

"coughiIrresponsiblecough!"

"Bless you. And I'm off to meet his dad."

Ace made a squawk of protest. "How'd that happen?"

"Well, it's kind of a funny story-"

"No wait. I don't care. I'm coming too."

Luffy made a sound of outrage. "No! Ace, go back to work!"

"But-"

"I can handle it!"

Ace relented. He tried enough times today to use the direct approach on Luffy. "Call me if anything happens?"

"Kay."

"Or if Zoro 's dad tries to threaten you."

"Yeah."

"Or if Zoro hurts you."

"Ace."

"Or if Zoro-"

"Ace!"

"WHAT?"

"I'll be fine."

"Sure you will. And when something does goes wrong, which I just know it will, i won't be able to get there on time."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaace. Nothing will go wrong."

"Sure, sure," Ace pretended to agree. After talking some more and giving one final warning (Aaaaaaaace!) Ace hung up, wishing that he'd ruffled Luffy's hair one last time before he left. Then he dialed a different number. "Sabo? It's your turn."


	5. and you thought nothing could go wrong

"Where the hell am I," Zoro said as he stared up at the chain-link fence, with brick walls boxing him in on both sides. A dead end, that's where. His phone beeped pitifully on the last remains of its battery life, with a new message from Luffy:

 _Luffy: Zoro wer r u D:_

 _Zoro looked around, hoping the answer could come jumping at him._

 _Luffy: Ur lost agen?_

 _Zoro: ...no_

 _Luffy: what's it called. u missplaced urself?_

 _Zoro: who does that?_

 _Luffy: zoro does_

 _Zoro: shut up_

 _Luffy: zoroooooo_

 _Zoro: wat_

 _Luffy: i miss you_

 _Zoro: we were literally talking five minutes ago_

 _Luffy: no, i was talking, and u were being a butthed_

 _Zoro: Excuse me? If I'm a butthead, then what does that make Ace huh?_

 _Luffy: ur both buttheds. mega buttheads. i don't get why u can't get a long._

Zoro had a notion why. And it started with an L.

 _Luffy: oh hey zoro you shud go back to ur aparmint. ace just texted me Sed he wanted to apolojizz_

 _Zoro: jfc never say that again_

 _Luffy: ?_

 _Zoro: Nvm_

 _Luffy: K. so u and ace go talky talk. then Zoro can nap and I can eat and then we can hang out agen?_

Zoro grumbled. So Luffy had noticed that he was tired.

 _Zoro: How can you eat even more?_

 _Luffy: There will never be enuff food for me._

 _Zoro: Well I'm not going back to my apartment just so Ace can start screaming at me again._

 _Luffy: But y not! He sownded really sorry._

 _Zoro: No._

 _Luffy: :(_

 _Luffy: I know he wusn't really nice today. But he's my big bruther. He's not a bad persin._

 _Luffy: Pleese?_

 _Luffy:_

 _Zoro: Ugh. FINE._

 _Luffy: Yay! Thanks zoro I love you!_

Zoro was not smiling. That did not making him happy. And he was definitely not curled around Monkey D. Luffy's little finger. No sir, nuh uh.

 _Zoro: I'll meet you back at your house when I'm done_

* * *

Dracule Mihawk presses the flashing button on his intercom. "Yes?"

"Sir, your niece is here with a boy."

"Let them in," Mihawk said, hiding the surprise from his voice. He leaned back against his office chair and tried to wrap his mind around the idea. He supposed that Perona was at the age to be seeking relationships. But to be honest, he was more curious about what kind of boy could tolerate her personality.

"Uncle!" The doors slid open, with Perona calling out to him in a piercing voice. She yanked at the arm of a grinning boy. "Look what I found. He's Zoro's boyfriend."

Mihawk froze halfway out of his chair. That was even less conveivable.

"Nice to meetcha, Zoro's dad!"

Mihawk gathered himself, shaking the perky young man's hand. "Just call me Mihawk."

Luffy nods. "Mihawk, huh. Ok, Hawky!"

Mihawk twitched. There was only one person aggravating enough to call him that. "I am not Hawky."

"Oh?" The boy stared back with clear eyes, refusing to look away. "Well ok then, Hawky. I'm Monkey D. Luffy, nice to meetcha!"

Of course. Luffy was Shanks' little Anchor. Mihawk wondered if this was this fate's way of amusing itself.

"Rude, Uncle. You're making that face again." Perona said.

Mihawk sighed. She wouldn't understand the headache he was currently faced with.

"Well? What do you think?"

"Who? Him?" Mihawk gestured at Luffy, who had distracted himself with the scenery outside the window. "Zoro's old enough to make his own decisions. What do I have to do with it?"

"Ugh. Aren't you going to give him the talk? Say something like, 'hurt Zoro and I'll slice and dice you?'"

"Zoro can defend himself."

"Yeah!" Luffy looked up, winding his arm. "Besides, I'm not that easy to slice and dice!"

Mihawk raised an eyebrow. "Oh? How so?"

"Cuz I'm strong!"

Mihawk was not convinced, yet he couldn't help but wonder. He understood his son's few interests: swords, training, sword maintenance, training, alcohol, workout methods, training, and more training. Zoro wasn't one to deal with superfluous relationships, not when he was seeking to become an excellent swordsman. What was the reason for Zoro to take interest in this bundle of skinny limbs? Besides, the boy had been hanging around Shanks. Perhaps he'd picked up something useful. "Shall we put that to the test?"

* * *

With a sigh of relief, Zoro staggered into his apartment. Safe at last, he thought. He was toeing off his boots when he heard his toilet flush. He stuck his head outside to check the door number: yep, this was his apartment.

A blonde man came out of Zoro's bathroom, cinching black gloves over his hands. He looked up, surprised. "Who are you?"

Zoro started backing out the door. "Sorry, I must have gotten the wrong NO WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!"

The stranger didn't seen to understand the question, until his face cleared and he let out a full-bellied laugh. "Oh right, right! Sorry, I'm not usually around by the time the homeowner comes back. This is weird, isn't it?" He got distracted by the bokkens nearby, and reached his hand out.

Zoro slapped his hand away and stared the guy down. Or tried to. Damn him for being so tall. "Don't touch my stuff!"

The man held his hands up in surrender, his flippant laughter getting on Zoro's nerves. "Ouch. You're even worse than Ace with his lighters."

Zoro's stomach dropped. "You know Ace."

"He didn't mention me? Rude. You would think that would have came up in conversation." The man extended a gloved hand out. "The name's Sabo. I'm Luffy's other big brother."

When Zoro kept staring at the hand instead of shaking it, Sabo shrugged and slowly made his way around Zoro's apartment, suddenly talking wistfully to himself. "You know, I've never really cared for my parents. But if there's one thing I'm grateful about when we moved up to Vermont, it's being exposed to the wilderness." His fingers danced along the edge of Zoro's television, and he took in a deep breath. "It's beautiful, like nothing you've ever seen in around here. Nothing but trees and unharnessed nature for miles. The best part is that no one ever ventures out to the middle of the forest. It's the perfect place for burying dead bodies!"

Zoro flinched at the last part. "What?"

Sabo turned around, and Zoro got a full view of the scar on his right eye. "Don't you see? In the winter, the bodies naturally freeze, so there's no giveaway smell. The rest of the year, the scent brings the carnivores and the scavengers in, so you're left with nothing but a litter of bones. It's both effective and environmentally friendly corpse disposal!"

Zoro was mildly terrified.

"But enough about me. Tell me about yourself, Zoro. I want to know the man behind the 20K income, Japanese citizenship, and spotty police record."

Zoro didn't have time to respond have time to protest that. His instincts found him reaching for a bokken and blocking just before a pipe cracked his head open.

"Now, now, Zoro. No need to be so violent." Sabo clucked his tongue.

"You attacked me first!" Zoro tried an upper swing, only for Sabo to dance away.

"That's not what the official records will say."

"You're crazy." Zoro seethed, parrying away a series of blows. "And an asshole."

BAM. Sabo left a hole in the wall. "It runs in the family. Why so surprised?"

CRASH. There went that ugly vase from Perona. "OI!" Not that Zoro had really been attached; it was the principle of destroying his property. In the split second it took him to shout, Zoro almost didn't block in time. "You nearly caved my skull in!"

"I was sure you'd block in time. Maybe. Hey, no changing the subject. Now what's your history with law enforcement?"

Just an overzealous (pain-in-the-ass) officer, an old student of Mihawk's who was constantly trying to reform a 'delinquent' like himself. He would like to contest that he hadn't done anything, thank you very much. But that was information he didn't feel Sabo was entitled to, certainly not while fending off him and his disturbingly happy grin. "No comment."

"Hmm."

"It's the truth!"

"Guess so. I checked detective Tashigi's records anyway. I'm not entirely convinced there isn't some UST between you two."

"You did what and what?"

"Like I said, I want to know who "Roronoa Zoro" is. A snarly biker with a heart of gold? A criminal? Serial killer? Pedophile?"

"No, no, no, and hell no. Just what gives you the right to be interrogating me?"

"Excuse me? Concerned older brother, here."

"You," Zoro delivered a strike toward Sabo's shoulder, "are a shitty excuse of an older brother."

Sabo pushed back against the bokken, smile suddenly gone. "What?"

"You broke into my house, broke into my records, broke my vase!" Zoro could go on and on, but there was something about the look on Sabo's face that made him hesitate.

"You take that back."

Zoro paused, bokken still at the ready. "Don't want to."

Sabo's attacks suddenly became more aggressive. It took all of Zoro's concentration to keep up, when Sabo sweeped Zoro's legs from underneath. Zoro groaned, his head bursting with pain, and found one end of the pipe millimeters from his nose, Sabo looming over him in silent fury.

"You said I'm a shitty older brother."

"And I'm not gonna apologize." Sabo tightened his grip on his shaking pipe, probably holding the urge to do some irreparable damage "Listen, I get it. You and Ace and probably all the other crazies? You all care about Luffy , you probably don't want an outsider like me to get close. The thing is, I…I love him. He drives me crazy, but I'm not going back to my life before he was around. So I'm not gonna apologize, or play nice, or roll over in front of your so called Monkey Clan because to be honest? I don't trust you either. But I promise I'll look out for him in my own way."

Seconds passed in tense silence. Just when Zoro thought Sabo was really going to spray his brain across the wall, the blonde relaxed and stowed his pipe back wherever he was hiding it. "So we'll agree to disagree. Fair enough, I don't trust you either." Sabo tilted his head in wonder, giving a real smile. "But I like you. You've convinced me that I can leave Luffy in your hands."

Sabo brought something from behind the sofa. Zoro flinched, before he realized it was a hockey stick, with a red bow and tacky wrapping paper. "A bit of an apology present, I suppose. You'll need it in the winter, when Luffy starts his ice hockey tournaments."

Zoro took the package. "Thanks."

"No problem. Later!" Sabo said from the window, which he quickly fled from.

Zoro was left with a hockey stick and a wrecked apartment, glass remains and broken furniture in his wake. "Damn you…"

* * *

"Oryaaaaaah!" Luffy lunged forward with his bo staff, the closest thing Mihawk had to his strange request for a pipe. The blow was strong, judging from the loud smack it made on the mats, but Mihawk had dodged easily. After an hour of nonstop sparring, Luffy was panting in heavy bursts and slowly racking up bruises. Meanwhile, Mihawk had hardly broken a sweat. "Do you really think you have a chance of winning?"

Luffy snickered, without a trace of fear. "I won't know until I try!" He charged in with a too-wide swing, complete with a war cry. Mihawk easily batted away the attack, followed by a series of fierce blows. He saw a chance and sidestepped, striking Luffy in the lower back. Luffy fell forward in a tumble and ended up in a tangle of limbs, staring back with a growl.

"You're wide open."

Luffy just stuck his tongue out and scrambled up for his next assault. His body assume a relaxed, yet confident stance; his past failed attempts had done nothing to dishearten him. Another heavy thump against the boy's ribcage, not quite enough to crack bone. In a real fight, Mihawk would have killed him a thousand times over, but that would be a disservice to his son. Once again, Mihawk eventually held his bokken at Luffy's neck. "Yield."

Luffy weakly batted it away. "No!"

"This is unsightly for a swordsman. Accept your loss."

"M'not a swordsman. And I don't wanna."

"Are you truly this blinded by pride? You can't win against me."

"Probably. I know you're really, really strong. Maybe as strong as Zoro." This child; Mihawk valued his faith in Zoro, even though he was so very wrong. "But I'm never going to back down from a fight. Not when there's still a chance that I'll win."

"Then stop this farce. Go find yourself a fight in the real world."

Luffy pushed himself up, teetering onto his feet. "Nah. Not until I take you down first."

Mihawk smirked. "You're hopeless. Much like my son."

Luffy gave a tired smile. As time went by, his moves had gotten steadily less predictable. As a last-ditch attack, he leapt into the air and tried to smash Mihawk's skull in. Mihawk easily parried the blow, but felt something graze his cheekbone.

"I did it!" Luffy yelled as a lopsided pile on the floor, before he promptly passed out.

Mihawk marvelled, touching the soon-to-be bruise on his face. What was this boy, a human pretzel? He'd made a knee strike that would have required inhuman amounts of speed and flexibility, not mention hiding that intention from Mihawk. Or was the boy just acting from from sheer instinct? How interesting, Mihawk thought with a hint of a chuckle. His son and this boy…in a brawl, they would make a good team.

Just then, the intercom in his sparring room started flashing. He answered with, "What is it?"

"Sir, the red-haired drunk is here to see you."  
"Again? Let him in." Mihawk pinched the bridge of his nose. Speak of the devil.

* * *

" …talk about coincidences, hahahaha!"

Luffy woke up with a groan, seeking the familiar voice. "Shanks?"

"Anchor! You're alright! I was worried that Hawky had beaten you up too far."

"Nah, I didn't feel a thing." Luffy slowly pushed himelf up from the sofa and stared at a nonplussed Mihawk, drinks scattered around his coffee table. He blinked. "Oh, you're THAT Hawky, the one that Shanks always complains about!"

Mihawk raises his perfectly groomed eyebrows. "What complaints?"

"Oh nothing," Shanks laughs nervously.

"Nuh uh! You said that Hawky's too serious and his goatee makes you look like ormgpgmm-" Luffy's mouth was covered by Shanks' hand.

"So Hawky! Who'd have thought we'd end up here!"

"Indeed. My son and the child you mentioned are going out."

"Brings a tear to my eye. They'll be getting married any day now! Who's going to be walking who down the aisle? I call Luffy. I mean, who knows what Dragon's up to these days, or if he'll even be there!"

Mihawk froze, his wineglass halfway to his lips. Dangerous opponents, threats to his life; those were old hat. But the thought of attending a wedding was enough to start planning a trip to some untrackable island.

"Plus I hear that Luffy put a scratch on you, Hawky. We've gotta celebrate! Let's go buy the kid a drink."

"WOOHOO!" Luffy cheered.

Mihawk regained his senses. "Shanks, the boy isn't of legal age."

"Like you're one to talk. You told me Zoro's been stealing from your stash since he was a teen!"

But Mihawk was adamant. "I refuse to explain to my son why his significant other ended up in jail, or worse."

"Fine, fine. Spoilsport. Sorry Luffy, looks like I'm buying you ice cream instead."

"Even better!"

Shanks shook his head in dismay. "Ah, poor kid. He doesn't understand the finer things in life."

* * *

Two cabs and four sets of directions later (they were nice strangers, even if their directions were completely off), Zoro cursed his way through the neighborhood, trying to remember what Luffy's place looked like last night. He vaguely remembered passing by that red-roofed house twice already; an old but improbably fit man looked up from where he was working on his car. "You lost, young man?"

Zoro bristled slightly; it was enough for Mihawk to keep calling him that, did he really look that young? "I'm trying to find this one house. Old, dark, said to be haunted."

The man flipped his oil-stained towel over his shoulder. You wouldn't happen to be Zoro-kun, would you?"

"What? How'd you… please tell me you're not Garp."

The man chuckled deeply. "No. I'm Rayleigh, the other old geezer. Actually, Ace-kun just called a while ago. Told me I should keep my eyes out for a suspicious green-haired man."

"Shit."

But Rayleigh just smiled kindly. "Don't worry. I won't be doing anything. I'm not looking for trouble."

Trouble, trouble… Zoro rolled the word around in his head. "Shit, you're the one with the," he snapped his fingers in frustration, "the ice cream truck!"

"Ah that." He chuckled again. "Not one of my proudest moments. I had to fill out a lot of paperwork for that stunt."

Zoro was about to ask more questions, when his phone chimed with a message from Luffy.

"Yo! I'm here with Shanks in Foosha Park! Were ru?"

"and just where the hell is foosha park?" Zoro muttered aloud.

Rayleigh pointed the way. "Go to the end of the street and turn right. You can't miss it."

"Thanks." Zoro gave a good-natured wave, and starting heading in the right direction. He was too busy staring at his phone to hear the quiet, "Doesn't seem like a bad one to me."

"Luffy." Shanks said.

"Hm?"

"That Zoro? The one walking toward the cul-de-sac?"

"Yeah, he is. Zoooooro!" Luffy jumped onto a bench and started waving his arm. "Over here, you idiot!"

"Who are you calling an idiot?!"

Luffy laughed, watching Zoro jog over. "I thought you were at home."

"I was. Shit happened; I'll tell you later." Zoro quickly glanced at the plastic ice cream wrappers littered around his feet, to the red-haired stranger, then back to Luffy. "I was trying to head back toward your house when I bumped into Rayleigh."

"Oh hey! How's he doing?" Luffy asked loudly.

The red-haired guy had a strained smile. "Didn't know he was still kicking."

"And who the hell are you?" Zoro glared.

Luffy gave the man an enthusiastic side-hug that had both of them swaying. "Shishishi! This is Shanks!"

"D'aww!" Shanks laughed out loud, hugging right back and nuzzling the top of Luffy's head.

Shit, Zoro thought. He'd wanted to thank the man, and just ended up insulting him to his face. "S-sorry. It's nice to meet you. I'm-"

Shanks let go of Luffy to stare intensely at Zoro. Then slapped his back hard and laughed. "Easy there, Zoro! You're like Hawky; too uptight!"

"Who?"

"Duh, Hawky's your dad!" Luffy laughed in an eerily similar manner to Shanks. It made sense where Luffy's personal tact came from. Zoro put that thought away for later, and looked at Shanks skeptically. "You know my dad?"

"What, he doesn't talk about me? Come on, I hang out with him all the time!"

Zoro searched his mind. "Oh yeah. You're the red-haired drunk." He cursed internally again. Shanks didn't seem to mind, because he and Luffy start laughing about it.

Luffy abruptly raiseed his head like a bloodhound on the hunt. Shanks didn't seem to find it strange, just dug a twenty out of his wallet. "Here. Go buy yourself some more ice cream."

Luffy snatched the money and started racing away toward, sure enough, a slowly approaching ice cream truck, chugging along with its bright tinny song. Zoro started to follow him, when Shanks got a firm grip on his shoulders. He noticed the abject despair that Zoro was exuding, before he promptly started laughing again.

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!"

"Dahahaha, you're just like Hawky!."

A few feet away, sandals slapping over the rain-soaked grass, Luffy barely noticed the several times he slipped, his thoughts stuck on ice cream ice cream food food food. He skidded to a stop in front of the truck, pushing his money in front of the resigned ice cream man's face. Luffy didn't get why; he was helping Mister's business with a second trip.

"FIVE KLONDIKE BARS!" Luffy got the weird feeling that his voice just echoed. He turned, meeting the gaze of an equally surprised customer.

"Luffy! What are you doing here?"

"… G-G-G-G-GRAAAAAAAAMPS?!"

* * *

It took a while for Shanks to stop laughing. "Stop looking like I'm going to evaporate you with my laser vision or something! If you're Hawky's son, you're automatically in my good books. Besides, I trust Anchor's judgment."

Zoro let out a sigh of relief. His current score with the Monkey Clan was two encounters that didn't have him worrying for his life (Rayleigh and Shanks), one that he did (Ace), and one undecided (Sabo). "So what's this about 'Anchor'?"

Shanks was just about to explain when he was interrupted by Luffy's scream. They turned their heads and noticed an old guy in a fancy general's uniform, gripping the back of Luffy's collar.

"Luffy!"

"Dammit Garp!"

They sprinted toward Luffy, with Zoro silently agreeing that King Kong was an apt description.

"Shanks! Zoro!" Luffy screamed in relief.

Garp pauses mid-tirade to stare at Zoro. "Who are you supposed to be?"

"That's Zoro. He's my…" Luffy pauses to share a silent debate with Zoro. _What should I say?_

Zoro made a tiny shrug. _Just tell him the truth._

A panicked look. _I can't! Zoro, you'll get hurt!_

A tiny nod. _I'll be fine. I'm not running_

The panic morphed into a relieved smile. _Thanks Zoro_. Luffy then turned defiantly toward Garp. "He's my boyfriend."

"….WHAT?!"

"Yow!" Luffy rubbed at his tender head, recipient to a Fist of Love.

"You're too young to have a boyfriend!"

"I'm seventeen!"

"Yeah well…You can't go out with a guy!"

"Why not?!"

"Because I want grandchildren!"

"Then we'll adopt!"

"So adopt already!"

"Fine I will!"

Shanks changed the subject, while simultaneously trying to shake a dumbfounded Zoro. "What's that you got on your back, Garp?"

"Oh, this old thing?" Garp promptly forgot about his screaming grandson and started unpacking his shoulder case to reveal a grenade launcher. "Take a gander at this baby! I need to teach those new recruits at the base what a REAL weapon looks like."

Shanks made a move to cross his arms, grimaced when he remembers he only had one, and instead gripped his stump. "Aren't servicemen not allowed to carry loaded weapons around in public?"

"Loaded? Who said it was loaded?" Garp pulled the trigger. The disregarded warhead shot off, the ricochet setting Garp to a slight tilt. It spiraled through the air before hitting something in the neighborhood with an explosive boom. A dumbfounded Garp toggled the trigger a couple more times. "Well it's empty now, Bwahahaha!"

"NO SHIT IT'S EMPTY!"


	6. sing it with me

Ace slammed his head onto the dining table of the fire station, his cell phone against his ear. "Sabo. Are you sure there's nothing you could dig up about this Roronoa?"

Sabo sighed into his phone, looking out the window of his dark, undisclosed location. "Nothing that gives me any reason to break the two apart."

"But what happened to our plan? I was going to distract Luffy, and you were going take the guy out of the picture!"

"Really, Ace? Whatever happened to 'giving this prospective boyfriend a look-over'."

"Well, that was before I realized he was an ex-convict."

"He only looks like one. He's a kendo practitioner; takes after his father, Dracule Mihawk."

"Shanks' drinking partner?"

"That's the one."

Ace grumbled. "I still don't trust him."

"Ace. Is there anyone you would trust with Luffy?"

Ace drew a blank, before decisively saying. "You."

"I'm flattered. But I'm not comfortable with incest, even if we aren't blood related. Anyway, this time around, I think you're worrying too much."

"So you support this…Zoro?" Ace ground out the name.

Sabo shrugged to himself. "He has a certain stoicism to him. Probably balances some of Luffy's sugar-induced insanity. But he's also a little spontaneous himself; reacts well to the unexpected. I think it'll work."

Sabo heard an explosion from outside. It seemed to come from somewhere westward, in the direction of Luffy's house. Explosions = Garp, he automatically concluded with dread. "Apologies. I'll have to call you back." He hung up to trace the GPS bug that he'd hidden once under Garp's medals. Shit. The park he was located was located close to Luffy's place. Sabo made a final check over the infiltrated apartment, before slipping out from the fire escape.

On the other side of town, Thatch knocked on the door to the mess hall. "Ace, you dying in here or what?"

Ace's face was hidden, smushed against the table. "Go away. I'm trying to figure out a solo plan of action to kill my brother's boyfriend, since my other brother has totally abandoned me."

"Sounds fun." Thatch started making gruesome suggestions, when the alarm went off in the entire station.

Ace wiped the mock despair off his face and went into professional mode. He suited up, slid down the station pole, made last minute equipment checks, and slammed the door to the driver's seat within six minutes. Huh. A new record.

"Where are we going, Thatch?" He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel.

Thatch was already typing the coordinates into the truck's GPS. "Foosha Park."

Ace stopped drumming. That was in Luffy's neighborhood. No wait, stop, he scolded himself. Sabo had just suggested he was being overprotective. He needed to calm down, deep breaths.

Thatch was still talking. "Police called in an explosion-"

Could be gas, could be gas, could be gas.

"-saying some old man-"

Could be an old man in his house with a faulty stovetop.

"-of all things, a grenade launcher-"

Explosion = Garp. Ace floored the accelerator, ignoring Thatch's shrieks as the acceleration trapped him in his seat.

"See what I told you, Luffy?" Ace muttered to himself, gritting his teeth. He could only hope he got there in time.

* * *

Luffy tried to run in the direction of the missile, driven by curiosity, but the entire top of his head was gripped by a muscular vice.

"We're not done talking yet!"

"Let him go, Garp!" Shanks started arguing with the old marine, their voices escalating. Meanwhile, Zoro was unsuccessfully trying to extricate Luffy from his Grandfather's grip. The four-way stalemate would have gone on forever, if it weren't for the horrible screeching sound that slowly reached their ears. Rayleigh came into view, dragging a shiny chrome bumper along the road. And Zoro had thought that a smiling Sabo looked scary. "Garp. I should have known it was you."

Garp stopped his yelling. "Rayleigh? What the hell's that sound?"

"This," Rayleigh says as he easily hoisted the bumper into the air," is all that's left of the Oro Jackson."

Shanks gaped. "Captain Roger's old car. You still had it?"

"Had, being the key word. It just went up in flames."

Garp released his chokehold on Luffy, who promptly scampered away. "Roger, huh. Almost forgot that the both of you ran around with him, playing mercenaries."

"Of course," Rayleigh replies with a deceptive calm. "Congo, '85."

"Garp-san, you should show more respect toward an artifact of the war. Seeing as you're almost one, yourself." Quiet fury emanated from Shanks' voice.

Garp grinned humorlessly. "Brat. If I kept a souvenir from every war I fought, I wouldn't have any space left in my office."

Rayleigh tapped the bumper against his palm. "Then maybe you should find yourself a new office."

"Or just retire altogether." Shanks brandished a hockey stick that had been conveniently nearby.

Luffy pulled on Zoro, who had been steadily grinning harder during the whole affair. "C'mon, we gotta go before Smokey gets here!"

"STRAWHAT!" A voice bellowed from a loudspeaker.

"Oops. Too late." During the scuffle, several police vehicles had pulled over, with men in SWAT uniforms pouring out.

"Freeze right where you are! Same to you, punk, Garp, Akagami! I'm getting tired of this shit, so just put your hands up, walk toward me, and- Oh shit; Portgas, you were on duty?"

"I am now!" Ace tumbled out of his fire truck from nearby, leaving a frazzled Thatch to deal with the car controls. "Stay away from Luffy! I don't care about the others!"

"Ace, you ungrateful brat!" Garp yelled, having grabbed hold of the hilt of the hockey stick. He was having trouble defending himself from both Rayleigh and Shanks, but he stood his ground with a furious bellow.

"Screw you old man!" Ace stumbled and fell, several officers dogpiling on top of him. "Dammit!"

"I'll save you, Luffy!" Sabo came out of a nearby police van, shedding his stolen uniform. He ignored the surprised voices around him, and started running toward his surprised little brother, before he suddenly couldn't move. "What the-"

Ace grabbed hold of Sabo's boot, refusing to let go. "If I'm not allowed to get in, then neither are you!"

"Why you!" With a frustrated scream, Sabo pulled Ace out of the dogpile by his leg, inch by inch until Ace popped out. Before the officers could regain their bearings, the both of them jumped over the yellow police tape, headed straight for Luffy.

Meanwhile, Thatch was screaming at the police officers, the joystick jabbing into his ribs, one hand on the steering wheel and the other trying to feel for the braking pedal. "A little help here?!" Now half the officers were scrambling to back away from the out-of-control fire engine, weeping as they watched their police cars get run over.

Smoker finally admitted that he'd lost control of the situation. "Does no one respect the fact that this is a CRIME SCENE?" No matter. He closed his eyes to consider his options on how to get those crazy bastards under control before this place turned into a warzone.

Couldn't use guns. Last time that happened, Rayleigh got mad and somehow the entire force ended up collapsing to the ground, foaming at the mouth.

Couldn't use tear gas. Just makes the old raging vice-admiral even angrier.

Couldn't use verbal threats. Then the youngest Monkey would say "Hi, Smokey," and run after him, with several other Monkeys chasing after him, bringing the chaos to smack him in the face.

"Call Five, and get out the elephant stun gun. We'll use the same plan as last time. Hold your fire until my say."

"But sir. It's Five's day off." Said a hapless officer. His next words died away at the sound of Smoker's growl.

"Then get me someone who can SHOOT the damned thing!"

Over at the playground, Rayleigh and Shanks were ganging up against Garp, while Ace had both Luffy and Zoro in a headlock. Sabo tried to pull Garp back, only to get elbowed in his blind eye by Shanks and shoved against the monkey bars. Ace had been yelling at everyone to stop gang up on Gramps, away from the violence. When he saw Sabo clutching his head in pain, he let go of Luffy and Zoro, then launched himself at Shanks with renewed fury.

Luffy also tried to launch into the fray, but was stopped by a wincing Sabo.

"Luffy, dammit, I'm fine. You get away, now!" Then Sabo went after Ace with his trusty pipe.

"Dammit." Luffy scratched his head, watching the mess of a fight in front of him.

"What should we do?" Zoro stared at him.

"Sabo can stop Ace. And Rayleigh and Shanks are mad at Gramps. So if I kick Gramps' ass, everyone'll stop screaming."

"You can do that?"

"Hell no. That's why you gotta help me, Zoro."

Zoro laughed softly. "Idiot." I'll always have your back, he silently promised.

Luffy grinned at Zoro and turned toward the fight, when he noticed a very intimidating gun being pointed at Garp. "Gramps!" Luffy sprinted forward.

"Hold your fire," Smoker said, until he saw Luffy running forward "Strawhat, NO!"

"Now?!" The amateur sniper panicked and fired. The fist-sized dart hit Luffy square in the chest. He immediately fell to his knees and collapsed onto the ground. The area went silent.

Sabo rushed to Luffy, flipping him onto his back. He yanked the dart out and felt under his neck for his carotid artery. "I can't feel a pulse."

"Take your damn gloves off, Sabo!" Ace yelled hysterically.

Sabo ripped them off, flinging them at his stock-still grandfather. "I still can't feel anything! His heart stopped!"

"I didn't want to do it…" The sniper started shivering. "This gun was made for wild game. I didn't even want to use this on an old man, let alone a small child!"

"DAMN YOU!" Ace launches himself at the sniper. Smoker stood in the way of the man with the fiery temper, defenseless to a furious Garp coming in from the side.

"HOW DARE YOU SHOOT MY GRANDSON!"

Smoker could feel his impending death creeping onto him. "Fuck you all."

Meanwhile, Zoro ran up to where Sabo was already doing CPR on Luffy, just in time to hear a cracking sound. "What was that?"

"His ribs," Sabo calmly stated.

Zoro stopped breathing for a moment.

"I don't have a choice. Bones can heal, but if I don't push strong enough for the heart to pump blood to the rest of his body, he's going to start dying." There was a faint wailing in the air. "The ambulances are coming. And always a second late. Here, Zoro, take over."

"How do I-"

Just push hard. The rhythm is 120 RPM, "Another one bites the dust" by Queen. You know that song, right?"

Zoro nodded with bewilderment, attempting at compressions.

"Good. If you'll excuse me…" Sabo cracked his fingers. "I've got a couple skulls to crush." Whose exactly, he wouldn't say, as he walked toward the fight.

It was only a few minutes before the ambulance arrives. Zoro didn't hear the screams.

Didn't hear the gruesome breaking of bones.

Didn't hear the explosions going off in the distance.

Didn't hear the chaotic wave of shouting voices.

He just tried to clumsily hum the Queen song. The only part he can remember was the chorus: "Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust. And another one down, and another one down. Another one bites the dust." He pressed mercilessly on Luffy's unmoving chest. By the time the EMT arrived, Zoro decided that he would never listen to another Queen song for the rest of his life.


	7. but i still love you

Most of Smoker's division ended up on paid leave for injuries, Smoker himself fumbling with a broken arm. Didn't change a thing, he still had a job to do. So after the hell of Foosha Park, he ended up in Strawhat's hospital to interview the green-haired guy in the middle of it all. "You were at the scene. Why?"

"Zoro's my boyfriend." Luffy smiled weakly.

Smokey massaged at his forehead, like he was trying to peel his skin off. "Shit. You're part of the Monkey CLAN too, aren't you?"

"What?" Zoro said.

"Oh, you never heard of it?"

"No, I did. But I thought that was all a joke."

"Do I look like a stand-up comedian, Mr. Roronoa." Smoker gritted his teeth.

Zoro held back his sarcastic retort. "I just thought it was supposed to be a nickname. Fuck, what was it that Usopp said last night…a group of strong, charismatic men and they all know each other, or something?"

"Who the hell is Usopp? Never mind. That's not a bad description, but it's incomplete." Smoker pulled out a cigar, then growled, remembering he was in a hospital. "The Monkey CLAN is not a group of people. It's a thing, a set of directives. CLAN stands for Clandestine Lockdown and Assault Neutralization."

"Huh." Luffy and Zoro replied simultaneously.

"Why the hell," Smoker growled," do you sound so surprised, Monkey?"

"I forgot what it stands for."

"I'm not surprised. Anyway, The Monkey CLAN was a countermeasure for a group of people who seem to cause mayhem and make shit explode wherever they go. It seems that every time something major goes down, nearly all of the members are present."

Zoro raised his eyebrow. "Dragon wasn't there."

"Damage control. By tomorrow, the local news will report a gas explosion or something. The playground will be back to its original condition within weeks."

"So that's what the NSA is capable of?"

"It's not supposed to. But aside from being the head of the NSA, Dragon's also got his figurative claws deep into every other sector of the government. Given enough motive, that man could probably destroy the United States."

"But Dragon won't do that, cuz he's awesome!"

Smoker stared down at the bedridden patient. "And I suppose you think so because he bought you food."

"And he takes me to the movies sometimes. He likes the action thrillers, though he always thinks he would make a much better villain."

"I wonder why."

Zoro tried to steer the conversation back. "So how come the government hasn't taken them," he glanced back at Luffy, "Some of them, and thrown them into a maximum security prison? Or a mental institute? Or, I don't know, some bottomless hole in the Amazon?"

"As much I would love to do the honors, we can't. Dragon, for obvious reasons, probably wouldn't willingly relinquish his position. More than that, we'd be screwing ourselves over. Those men have influenced, and will continued to influence this country more than you and I will ever want to know."

"Does the Congo have anything to do with it?"

Smoker looked put-out. "Looks like those old geezers can't keep their damn mouth shut."

Like you're one to talk, Zoro thought.

"Whatever. I just came here to check the situation out. We'll need to temporarily place you under 24-hour surveillance, Mr. Roronoa."

"What."

"Probably hire a new specialist for our team. You do kendo, right?"

"Howdidyou-"

"I'll get Tashigi, she's free right now."

"Gah!"

"I don't wanna hear about what you and Strawhat do behind closed doors, but I personally advise you to keep public displays of affection to a minimum. Especially when in close proximity to other Monkey members. It'll probably set threat level readings off the charts."

"Why-"

"Also I'll need to-"

"WOULD YOU JUST STOP!"

Smoker stopped counting off his fingers. "The hell are you carrying on about?"

Zoro's head was filled with so much new, overwhelming information, he just wanted to slam his head into the wall to knock it all out. "I'm not one of them!"

"Really? What would you do if I shot this kid in the head, right now, in front of you?" Smoker resisted the urge to roll his eyes. That flicker of protective bloodlust; typical Monkey. "Never mind. You two have a nice day."

"Wait-"

"Bye Smokey!" Luffy said loudly. Smoker didn't bother waving as he left the room. "Sorry. Usually, when something happens with my family, I manage to keep my friends out of it."

"So they don't know."

"Usopp heard me mention the Monkey clan once. He thought it was funny."

Funny. Yeah. The enormity of this situation was indeed almost laughable. Zoro turned around to realize that Luffy had stopped talking and was biting his lip. If there was anything Zoro had learned about Luffy in these past few days, it was that he was life and energy personified. The sight made him uneasy. "He said I was one of you guys."

Luffy flinched, before he made a poor effort at playing it off. "You shouldn't take it too seriously."

"I can't help it." Zoro laughed without humor. "It's only been three days, but I already feel like I've married into the family."

"Is that bad?"

"What do you think?"

Luffy giggled. "I think you're kinda crazy, so you'll fit right in."

Like you're one to talk, Zoro thought. He tried to smile, but the effort was too much. He couldn't keep up the farce anymore. "You almost died."

Luffy looked serious for once. "Yeah."

"I had your hand over your chest, but I couldn't feel your heartbeat. You were technically dead."

"Yeah. Wait'll the guys heard about this one."

"It's not funny," Zoro snapped at him.

"No. I guess it's not." Luffy gestured Zoro to come closer. He gently took Zoro's hand and placed it over his heart. Only the slightest twitch of his face revealed that his ribs still hurt. Zoro could feel a strong, steady beat. It makes him relax for the first time all day. "Seems like you're alive."

"Shishishi."

* * *

Zoro didn't remember falling asleep, but he woke up with a crick in his neck and an asleep Luffy lightly gnawing on his hand. There was a box of chocolates on the hospital bed.

"Hey Luffy…"

"Mrrph…?"

"Teach me how to search for wire taps?"


	8. extra: i like the villains better

**A/N: Takes place before the main story. Dragon and Luffy bonding time.**

* * *

Dragon understood well the restrictions that his job would impose on his life. Minimized his relationships. Minimized his public exposure. Became the silent observer of the country, without forming attachments that could compromise his job. When all was said and done, he preferred to think that he had never broken his own rules so much as stretched them to interpretation, made exceptions. Or rather, just one exception, in the form of a teenage son with a troubling tendency to make messes for him to clean up. Just like the other miscreants he was often associated with. In any case, Dragon wasn't a man to regret his actions, so he endeavored to give Luffy as much love as he possessed in the black cockles of his heart, and just as much security.

And yet sometimes Dragon felt like he hadn't given Luffy enough of either. The boy could get himself into scrapes and injuries that defied logic and rational human actions. As for affection, well… Dragon would argue that his job didn't allow him to visit Luffy very often. Besides, Luffy didn't seem to mind his absence very much, since he had two brothers and a grandfa… ok, two brothers who could look out for him, as well as everyone else from the CLAN directive. Not to mention Luffy's friends, who Dragon had investigated thoroughly and determined to be of sound mind and intent.

Nevertheless, there were moments when he felt guilty that he spent far more time with Sabo, his adopted son of sorts and the more rational of Luffy's brother, than with his real son; a guilt which was intensified by some not-so-subtle hints from said adopted son. Besides, Dragon wasn't ashamed to admit that he enjoyed the occasional father-son bonding experience. There was probably some research out there that spending time with one's biological family was healthy.

Case in point: it was a weekly tradition for Dragon and Luffy to go to the movies together. Nice, dark space with background noise to hide behind, accessible exits, yet public enough not to invite an outside attack without scrutiny. While Luffy cared more about which movie they were watching rather than where, Dragon always chose the old theater behind the Galley-la shopping center. It had one road through which cars would come in and out, and the roof was readily accessible to members of his security team, since they had a long-standing agreement with the terrified theater owner. Two guards sat in the theater with father and son, each one close to an exit. One guard also pretended to be on his phone outside the theater, in case the theater couldn't be opened from the inside in the unlikely chance of an earthquake, mad gunman, terrorist threat, and who knows what madness the world would sic upon them.

This was the life of the director of the NSA. Precaution above precaution, with the hopes that everything would end up redundant and unnecessary. Honestly, Dragon admired the men and women of his security, for their dedication to waiting around for hours on end.

Nothing like the movie interpretation of governments and spies.

"That," Dragon pointed to the screen, where the protagonists were currently climbing a rope along the side of a building, "is a horrible idea."

Luffy was munching on an extra extra large tub of popcorn that reached from his lap to just below his chin. "Why?"

"You shouldn't underestimate the wind velocity above ground level. Besides, they don't have safety harnesses. One false slip from the man who's highest up, and he'll come crashing down onto everybody who's climbing underneath."

"He'd squish them?"

"Like pancakes."

Luffy let out a delighted laugh, which had the person in front shushing them.

"Besides, that grappling hook is a joke. Do they honestly think they can support five people, at least 800 pounds, on a flimsy metal hook latched to a concrete ledge? If I were the antagonist in this movie, I wouldn't have to lift a finger to defend myself. Those amateurs would have wiped themselves out before they ever reached me."

The small children sitting nearby seemed to have become utterly traumatized. Their fault for sneaking into a PG-13 movie. Luckily, his son found the idea of the protagonists' demise hilarious.

The guy in front turned around again to glare at them.

Dragon raised an eyebrow.

The guy blanched and turned around, sliding down his seat. Dragon had that sort of effect on people. He looked up only to grimace, as the protagonist and his love interest started making out in the middle of a shootout. This time, Dragon couldn't suppress a sigh. "Just let the one of the bullets hit them already."

Luffy giggled. "Nami would get mad. That's not very romantic."

"Well neither am I."

"Not even with Mom?"

Dragon stilled. That had come out of nowhere. He'd never told Luffy a thing about his mother. "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious. I mean, I gotta have one, right? Unless I was born in one of the super secret labs? Or I'm a clone? Or I have half sabertooth tiger DNA? That would be the best case scenario."

"No. you are a very normal human child."

"Boo," Luffy pouted.

"As for your mother: meeting her was one of the biggest mistakes of my life." He glanced at his son with a rare smile. "But I guess some good came out of it." He saw the rare shy grin on Luffy's face, as he unconsciously tugged his hat down a bit.

Luffy, for all his 17 years, still had a poor understanding of what Dragon did at his job. It was a lucky day if he actually remembered what NSA stood for, instead of the Naughty Suited Acrobats, or the Nasty Screeching Acorns. He was a strangely innocent boy, for someone registered under the CLAN directive. Compared to him, Rayleigh had seem some things he couldn't talk about in polite company, before his retirement; Garp was insane; Shanks was in and out of prison with a regularity that Dragon hoped wouldn't rub off on Luffy; Ace could only pretend he was a law-abiding citizen for so long, what with Whitebeard's backing; and Dragon admitted that he and Sabo had long lost the ability to judge things in terms of black and white. Luffy was oddly accepting of the fact that his upbringing wasn't normal, though he had yet to get into any real trouble.

"Luffy. What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Free," Luffy automatically said. "To do whatever I want."

"That's already part of the US constitution."

"What's that?"

Oh dear. "A document by the government."

"A paper? That won't protect me. I have to be the one to protect myself. And whatever's precious to me."

Hmph. perhaps his son wasn't as innocent as he'd thought. Deep down, Dragon hoped to protect his son's freedom from the darker side of the world. But he wondered how long Luffy would believe that villains looked like the caricatures on the movie screen.

Dragon sighed as he watched Dr. Boom(?) get catapulted into space. "If I were the antagonist, I would hunt them down using the government's information network, set up a cordon around their hideout. And enlist the local police. No need for elaborate plans. They've done enough to be arrested for trespassing, destroying public property, theft, assault-"

"That's boring. You're boring."

"Yes well." As long as Dragon stuck around, he could at least teach Luffy what a real-life villain acted like.


	9. extra: you and me

**A/N: Takes place before the main story. How Zoro and Luffy met.**

* * *

Monday

* * *

Having worked in the Sunny Gym for several months, Zoro had certain expectations for the clientele. He tried his best to be open-minded; it wasn't a matter of girl or guy, buff or not. Still, watching a skinny-limbed high-schooler head toward the bench-pressing station was enough to go after him shouting, "Hey, kid!"

The kid whirled around in a childish pout. "I'm not a kid. I'm 17!"

"Oh yeah? Lemme see some ID."

The kid pulled from his red sweatshirt a wallet shaped like a cartoon character, which didn't really help his case, as he muttered, "Stupid senile old man."

"Oi! I'm only 19!"

"Oh yeah? Is that on your ID?" The kid stuck out his tongue. At this point, Zoro was getting real close to settling this the violent way. Don't beat up kids, he repeated, don't beat up kids. "And to think I thought your hair was cool. I bet your muscle aren't even real!"

Zoro snapped. "That does it. You, me, over there!" He pointed toward an empty bench, where some guys had heard him and started backing away. "I'll show you just how real my muscles are. Let's settle this like real men!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"YEAH!"

"HELL YEAH!"

* * *

"I can't believe you," said Trafalgar D. Law, regular gymgoer and emergency medic. He stared at the two miserable people lying on the gym mats, their upper body and toes covered in ice packs. His gaze traveled to the broken bench, shattered mirror and bent 400-lb weights, to where Manager Franky was crying about the damage.

"S'not my fault," muttered Zoro.

"Of course not. It's Monkey's."

"Hey! Argh," Luffy's voice died away from the floor, as every single muscle protested movement.

"You and your crazy brothers. I'm tired of picking up after you."

"Oi," Zoro said weakly, "go easy on the kid."

Monkey laughed with a funny "shishishi" sound. "I like you! What's your name?"

"Zoro. Yours?"

"Luffy."

"I change my mind," Law interrupted. "It's both your faults. The two of you probably have more myocytes in your body than neurons."

"More what than what?"

"Uh, thank you?" Luffy turned his head toward Zoro with a grimace. "I really wanna fist bump you, cuz that's what friends do."

Zoro scrunched his eyebrows in thought. "We could head-bump instead."

"Great idea!" Luffy knocked his head against Zoro's, then they rolled around in pain from the time they'd accidentally slung a large dumbbell at each other's foreheads (35 for Zoro, 60 for Luffy).

Law just sighed. "There goes two more neurons."

* * *

Tuesday

* * *

In the future, Zoro would eventually realize how Luffy came across his address. But on that day, Zoro had no idea how or why Luffy was grinning at his doorstep at freaking 9 in the morning. Or how the skinny pile of limbs managed to drag him back to his house. Or perhaps the better question was, why Zoro went along with it.

In any case, they wasted the whole day with Luffy teaching him the greater merits of children's cartoons. Then when they got hungry, Luffy fumbled the fridge door handle with his still-recovering arms, opening the door to the veritable treasure trove that awaited inside.

Which was how Sanji (not that Zoro knew him at the time) found Luffy and a stranger collapsed on the kitchen floor, munching on his precious Iberian hams and Gouda cheeses and quiches like pigs, or perhaps slugs. Something too lazy to use its limbs. Anyway, he made an ungodly shriek. This had Luffy fleeing the scene with Zoro into the backyard, and when Luffy tried unsuccessfully to get on Zoro shoulders and jump the fence, they actually crashed through the wooden planks.

"You're a genius, Zoro!"

"Uh, yeah. Because I totally meant to do that."

"LUFFY GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!"

But the culprits had already squeezed through the broken fence and were houses away, with Luffy laughing his head off and Zoro with a smirk that broadcasted his wholehearted amusement.

* * *

Wednesday

* * *

Luffy hid at Zoro's place, until Sanji cooled down enough for Luffy to return home. Zoro didn't really having any clothing that could fit his guest. Even Zoro's smallest shirt covered Luffy like a tent, and one side of the collar slipped past Luffy's slim shoulder enough to make Zoro want to stick his head in the freezer.

Nor did Zoro really know how to deal with guests. Yet they found ways to stay busy all day, with bubble baths and pillow forts and the joys of spiked hot chocolate (Luffy was basically an exaggeration of himself when drunk, louder and happier and more grabby). It wasn't until their dinner of extra meaty pizza that Zoro realized, "I didn't go to work."

"Kay," Luffy mumbled through his seventh slice.

"Did you have school?"

"Yeah."

Why didn't you go?"

"Cuz I wanted to stay with Zoro!"

Zoro chewed on his pizza thoughtfully. "Kay."

* * *

Thursday

* * *

Zoro spent most of his time at work dodging a Franky on the warpath and texting Luffy, who was on house arrest by Ham Guy.

(Luffy: I don't get it. He's mad that I ran away, and he's mad that I'm here. And he's still mad about the ham.)

He learned that Luffy had a uselessly wealthy amount of knowledge about bugs, enough to make him shudder and glance every so often at the cracks between the floor and the wall. Zoro returned the favor with an introduction to whetstones. Zoro didn't know how, but by the end of the day, they were in a heated debate over samurai vs. ninjas.

(Zoro: Swords trump all, that's all I'm gonna say.

Luffy: But not underwater. Cuz ninjas can breathe underwater.)

* * *

Friday

* * *

In a moment of insanity, Zoro thought about a romantic dinner, with roses and candlelight. Instead, he brought Luffy a tiny cactus. Luffy laughed and called it Zoro Jr. Zoro told him to shut up, but let him keep it. Instead of an upscale restaurant, they went to a 24-hour diner.

They were in the middle of their meal, and Luffy was laughing about something dumb like always. The fluorescent lighting hit his warm brown eyes and toothy smile at just the right angle that Zoro wanted to keep this moment forever, tuck it deep within himself and never let it go, never let Luffy go. He found himself blurting out, "Wanna go out?"

Luffy's fry fell out of his mouth.

Zoro started to leave his seat. "Never mind."

"No, don't say that." Luffy picked up his fry and ate it. "I was just surprised cuz I thought we already are."

Zoro blinked. "You thought we were dating."

"That too. Duh."

"It's news to me! I mean why…" Why me, was what Zoro wanted to ask.

It seemed Luffy heard him in his silence. "Cuz You're cool."

Zoro stared, for an uncomfortable amount of time. "That's it? You think everything is cool. You said as we were coming in that automatic doors are cool. You going out with them too?" Zoro's voice had started to rise, and he tried to control his emotions.

Luffy groaned. "No, cuz I only want to date Zoro. What's not to get about that?"

"Nothing, everything, I don't know. What am I even doing? I don't ask people out!"

"And I don't go out! I mean, yeah I do," Zoro took a sharp inhale, "but not the kind of going out that makes Nami do her bunny ear sign."

Zoro stared at him in confusion. He stared at his fingers and made bunny ears. Then flexed them. "You mean quotation marks?"

"See? You get it! That's what makes you so cool!"

"Get what?"

"Me! And us. You're smart in all the ways that count, not with numbers and squiggly letters but with stuff here!" Luffy thumps his chest. "The things that count, yanno?

"And you're really strong and you have three swords and green head and earrings and your eyes look super serious. And I've heard some people say it's scary but they're stupid. I know it and you know it and that's enough. It's enough that most people don't have to get it. That you're rough and tough on the outside and a super awesome happy fluffy cotton candy teddy bear on the inside. You're a great shoulder pillow and lap pillow and slump-on-er and drool-on-er.

"And you trust me and I trust you. Not like that time someone asked if I trusted them and they pulled me into an alleyway and beat me up until my big brothers got there. You haven't said it, but I know you won't do that, will never do that to me. Past, present, future, I can trust you all with it, and you stay with me. You're close, closer than anyone ever has been, you trust me too and that makes me so happy and I promise, I promise that we can trust each other forever!

"And you're always with me, by my side, two steps behind me, running to follow me, running in front of me. Even when you're not there, it feels like we're not apart, just because I know you and you know me, and that's enough to find us anywhere in the universe!

"We just," Luffy flailed around, "we're it! You're it for me, and I'm it for you, we're like peanut butter and Gatorade, marshmallows and bbq sauce, meat and more meat! Or if you want, booze and more booze.

"So what's there not to get?" Luffy stared at Zoro like he was the idiot.

And Zoro? Zoro stared back in dumb silence, feeling his cheeks heat up.

"Zoro?" Luffy waved his hand in front of Zoro's eyes. "You're smiling."

"No I'm not."

Yeah you are," Luffy sing-songed.

Zoro wished he could lie that he wasn't. He wished that he could take even a fraction of his feelings and put them into words, give them back to Luffy because that what he deserved to hear that and more. Instead, he took a handful of fries and stuffed them into Luffy' mouth. "Fine. let's date then."


End file.
